Mindwiper

Brian had always been a good student. In primary school he looked forward to report days, eager to race home to show off his top marks and glowing comments to his parents. He prided himself on being well behaved and mature for his age. He kept his clothes clean as he could, picked up his toys when he was done with them and kept his room neat.

His good self-control served him well in high school. He focused well on his studies even as his parents fought more and more, their marriage falling apart. As the only child he had no one to share his anger and fears with as he hid himself away in his room to avoid the shouting. It was just him and his books. They became his companions from early in primary school and in his teens he threw himself into reading, escaping into more pleasant worlds.

Brian’s Mum and Dad finally separated when he was sixteen and he went to live with his father. His Dad wasn’t the most loving man but he urged his son to keep up his studies and was very proud when he won a full scholarship to university.

Brian enjoyed being a student. He was good at it. At age twenty-four he had finished a Bachelor’s and his Master’s in English literature and was embarking on a doctoral programme. Reading and writing was his life. He regularly attended a local poetry slam and a writers club. The bookshelf in his little apartment had run out of room.

Before he could start his dissertation though, he had one matter to attend to. His Mum kept leaving him e-mails begging him to come for a visit, insisting it was of vital importance she speak to him in person. He ignored them at first, even considered changing his e-mail. But finally he decided it would be best just to get it over with so he could concentrate on studying.

That was how he found himself driving out of the city and along three hours of winding country roads to the small town his Mum now lived in. He hadn’t been to visit in over a year. He didn’t feel comfortable around her new family at all. He wasn’t comfortable with her second husband or with how much she had changed since she was his Mum as a kid.

Back then she’d been career woman, managing raising him with working as a dentist. She was a city girl, born and raised, university educated of course, well-groomed and with high expectations for him.

But within a year of the divorce, while Brian was still trying to finish school, trying to be his year’s Dux, Mum remarried. And immediately, things got weird. Her new husband, Ted, was nothing like Dad. He was a counselor of some sort, out in some middle of nowhere town. He was a rough-looking guy, didn’t seem educated at all. They had a barefoot wedding, the guys wearing shorts even, outside in tent.

Then it got really awkward when Mum went and had kids with the guy. She was early 40s by then, but still managed to have two boys. And she gave up her career as a dentist and became a simple stay at home mother. That made Brian very uncomfortable. Sure the boys were technically his brothers, but he’d always seen himself as an only child and with them living so far away, it just didn’t seem real.

When he did visit, he didn’t see things he approved of. Mum wasn’t treating the boys like she’d raised him at all. She’d chased after him to keep his helmet on when on his little bike, insisted he wear a coat in mild weather, always made sure he had his shoes on before leaving for school. No sugary treats for little Brian of course, what dentist would let their kid get cavities?

But with her second family things couldn’t have been more different and it just felt so wrong to him. That’s why he didn’t visit, unless he had to. Like today.

The house was modest compared to the place he’d grown-up. He pulled his car up the short driveway, just fitting it behind Ted’s pick-up. Ugh, he would drive the ultimate red-neck vehicle.

The boys were already out playing in the front yard. They regarded his car with some curiosity but didn’t approach. He wasn’t too surprised, a year was an eternity at their age so they probably barely remembered him.

The older one, Craig, was six. He was a wild little kid with a mop of black hair currently standing in the grass in just a pair of short bright red rugby shorts. It was no surprise. Mum always seemed to let the kid run around in nothing but shorts. Last time he was there she let the kid go to the supermarket like that, no shirt, no shoes.

His little brother, four year-old Eddy, was squirming around next to him wearing just his birthday suit. Craig rolled his eyes. Never in a million years would Mum have let him run around the house that way even as a toddler, never mind in the front yard, in full view of the street.

Brian steeled himself for the weekend then got out of the car. To his surprise Craig seemed to instantly recognise him.

“Brian! It’s Brian!” the little boy yelled, running straight over and throwing his arms around him.

“Wow, okay, hey there Craig. Good to see you too buddy,” he said, feeling incredibly awkward as he patted the boy’s back. He wasn’t used to little kids at all.

Eddy then added to the awkwardness, copying his brother by cuddling up to Brian with his skinny little arms.

“Hi there Eddy, aren’t you a big boy!” Brian tried to enthuse.

“I four now!” Eddy announced.

“Wow, you’ll be in school before long.”

“Like Cwaig!” the little boy agreed.

Brian managed to free himself of the hug eventually, letting the boys lead him by the hand over to their toys.

“Dis is my big twuck,” Eddy demonstrated, squatting down and pushing a big yellow plastic Tonka truck around the grass, looking back up at Brian for approval.

“Trucks are for little kids! Lookit my ball!” Craig insisted, holding up a rugby ball.

“Do you play rugby?” Brian asked, really shocked. Mum had always said it was a dangerous and barbaric sport and forbid Dad enrolling him in it.

Craig nodded eagerly. “I love rugby!”

“Oh, okay… and how does Mum feel about you playing?”

“She’s always there when I gotta game. She takes us for Maccas after.”

“I gonna play! I c’n tackle!” Eddy announced, rushing his big brother and trying unsuccessfully to wrestle him to the ground.

“Don’t Eddy! You’re too little!” Craig told him, roughly pushing the boy away.

“Don’t be too rough now,” Brian warned, trying not to upset them but also afraid Eddy could actually get hurt.

“Do I hear a familiar voice?”

Brian looked over to see Mum had emerged from the house. She looked pleased to see him and he tried his best to smile back. But it was hard when she’d changed so much. She was wearing a simple t-shirt and leggings, casual wear she’d eschewed before. Her hair was tied back in a simple bug and she had no make-up on.

“It’s been way too long honey,” she declared, walking into the yard as barefooted as her little boys and pulling Brian into a big hug.

“Good to see you too Mum,” he managed to say, feeling tight and trapped in the hug.

“I know you didn’t really want to come this weekend Brian, but I promise you’ll feel different by the end of it,” she whispered to him. “Now, let’s head on inside and I’ll get you some tea.”

“I ate on the way down.”

“Not Mummy’s cooking you didn’t. Now let’s go.”

**

The house was a bit cluttered with kids’ toys left here and there, dirty dishes in the sink, papers on the kitchen table. But Mum didn’t seem to mind the poor presentation. Maybe because he was family, maybe because she didn’t care about such things anymore.

While she got something ready he checked out the photos on the living room wall. The obligatory wedding and baby photos of course, one of the two boys in the bath tub together, a recent one of Craig in school uniform standing at the end of the driveway. Brian couldn’t help but notice the one missing item of the boy’s bright new uniform, he was barefoot. It shouldn’t have surprised him, had he ever seen the boy in shoes? Even once? No, nothing came to mind. Still it was more evidence of how Mum had changed.

“He was so proud to be in his big boy school uniform,” Mum commented, appearing behind him with a plate of food.

“Oh, yeah, he looks really cute.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked bluntly.

“Sorry? Nothing, I said he looks cute, that’s all.”

“Brian, don’t bullshit me. I know you honey. Spit it out.”

“I just noticed he didn’t have shoes on. I guess that’s a small town thing. It’s nothing, like I said.”

Mum shook her head. “Not a small town thing. As I recall your friend David, he used to walk to school with you in his bare feet every morning, summer and winter.”

Brian frowned. She wasn’t going to let him get away with making an excuse for her. He was just trying to avoid another argument so early in the visit. But no, that was not allowed. Fine.

“Yeah, he did. But you never let me, even in the summer. You called it trashy. I think you said David’s parents were bogans.”

“And you wish I had let you?”

“What? No! I didn’t mean it like that. Just, I mean, I’m surprised you’re letting Craig go to school looking like David did back then, like a bogan.”

Mum didn’t look upset at being called a red-neck though. She just smiled, seeming actually pleased that he’d said it. “Well, I reckon I was a bit harsh on David’s parents back then. As I recall his dad was a lawyer so he was hardly a bogan. I just said that because I was a snob. I’m over that now and I’m sorry I didn’t let you have a real boyhood as a result. I’m fixing that with Craig and Eddy. I encourage them to get messy, play rough, and yes, go to school barefoot as long as they still want to.”

“And run around naked in the front yard,” Brian practically spat.

Her resolve faltered slightly. For a second he saw a chink in her armour. But it was gone just as fast as it appeared.

“I’m sorry that I gave you such body issues when you were little. It was wrong of me. Little ones shouldn’t have any concept of modesty until they get to school age. So if Eddy wants to play in his natural state, that’s what I let him do.”

Brian just shook his head. “What happened to you Mum?” he asked.

“Eat your tea Brian, before it gets cold. There’s plenty of time for discussion later.”

**

Ted joined them not long after tea. Brian was less than pleased to see the man he viewed as responsible for all these changes in Mum. But he forced himself to be cordial, shake the guy’s hand, watch while he cuddled the boys then got himself a plate of food.

“So, your drive okay?” Ted asked him, sitting on the couch, eating.

“Yeah, it was nice to get away from the city,” he answered, watching the two boys climbing all over the couch around Ted, rolling off it onto the floor. It was loud and annoying, but Ted seemed oblivious.

“Yeah, it’s so much nicer out here in the country isn’t it? I don’t know how you life up there in Jafa-land. There’s no room to breathe.”

Brian cringed. He couldn’t stand provincial towns like this one, with their weird hatred of Auckland.

“Actually I like the city. It’s just good to get away from my work, I meant.”

Ted nodded. “I can only imagine. I don’t know how you can stand all that studying. I was so happy the day I left school.”

“I like school!” Craig interjected, looking up brightly from the floor.

“Of course you do buddy. But Brian’s school isn’t like yours. There’s no colouring, no recess, no play time at all.”

Craig’s jaw dropped. “Not even jump jam?”

“Nope,” Ted confirmed to the boy’s horror.

“We even have to wear shoes,” Brian added with deep sarcasm that of course went right over the boy’s head.

“That’s awful! I don’t wanna go to that school. I don’ like shoes,” Craig informed them.

“I bet Brian would love to go to your school buddy,” Ted suggested.

Craig lit up. “Yeah! You could pay with me.”

Brian had to smile at the little boy’s innocence. It never ceased to amaze him how gullible silly little kids were. “Your Daddy’s kidding you Craig. I’m way to old for your school, and besides, I actually like wearing my shoes.”

The little kid looked more shocked than ever. “You’re weird,” he told his older brother.

“Come on now Brian, surely it wouldn’t be so bad. You get to colour, and no one expects you to produce any real work. No deadlines, no responsibilities. Wouldn’t it be nice for a day?” Ted suggested.

“Still think I’ll have to pass.”

Mum walked in from the kitchen, dishes apparently cleaned, sitting next to Brian. “It’s my fault,” she said sadly. “I raised too uptight, too obsessed with school.”

He frowned. “I don’t see how you can consider my school success a bad thing. Most parents would be over the moon at how well I’ve done.”

“You were always so bright honey, even as a little one. But you missed out on so much fun as a result. The way Craig and Eddy are growing up, I’m realising all the mistakes I made with you. And I want so badly to fix them.”

His food finished, Ted got up and moved across to the other smaller couch, sitting on the other side of Brian. He found it a bit odd being between them. It just didn’t seem a normal arrangement. He also felt a bit weird being the best dressed person in the house. He was still sat there in his button-down shirt, jeans and shoes while even Ted was in a t-shirt, faded old jean shorts and bare feet.

“Brian,” Ted began sounding a bit more serious. “The reason we asked you over here this weekend is your Mum has been feeling really bad about how things turned out with you. The fact you don’t have a relationship has really been hurting her.”

Brian looked over to see Mum was tearing up. He was upsetting, but he wasn’t here to be guilt tripped.

“That’s not my fault,” he answered coldly.

“No, that isn’t what I’m saying at all,” Ted assured.

Mum patted his leg. “It’s all my fault Brian. I know that. And I want to fix it.”

“Exactly,” Ted went on. “You see I helped your Mum get on her better path when we first met.”

“It’s been so much better,” she added.

“Yes, and now your Mum wants me to do the same for you Brian. We want to give you a fresh start, a do-over.”

Brian shook his head. “I don’t need a do-over. I’m working on a doctorate for goodness sake!”

“But you could be so much happier, I just know it,” Mum said.

“You really can be. Do-overs, they’re sort of a specialty for me. Usually I work with people in the justice system, in rehab. I’d been reluctant to work with you, I’ll admit it, because of your superficial success. But your Mum has convinced me,” Ted explained.

Now Brian was confused. Mum wanted him to get therapy, from fucking Ted of all people? He was the last counselor he wanted to sit down with. And he didn’t need therapy anyway!

“This is nuts!” he told them. “If this is really why you dragged me all the way out here, I’ll just drive right back tonight.”

“Please, don’t do that,” Mum urged, grabbing his arm.

“And why shouldn’t I? Give me a real reason.”

“I want you to know your brothers,” she answered.

Brian paused at this. He couldn’t really argue with that. “Well, of course I’d like to know them better,” he agreed.

“Then let Ted help you,” she urged.

“Help me how? I don’t understand.”

Ted put his hand on Brian’s shoulder. He looked over to see the man had his hand held outstretched right beneath his mouth. Brian was very confused by this until he saw there was a little mound of white power in the palm of his hand. But before he could react Ted gave a sharp blow, like he was blowing out a candle, and Brian got hit right in the face with the white stuff.

“What the hell?!” he demanded, sneezing and inhaling the stuff. He wiped at his face, blinking his eyes to clear it away.

When he opened them full again he saw Ted was nodding happily to his wife. “He took I nice deep breath,” the man said.

“What? I took a breath of what?!”

Mum patted his shoulder. “Don’t be afraid sweetie, it’s going to be so much better now.”

“What are you talking about? What’s going to be better?”

“Calm down buddy,” Ted directed, a hand firmly on his hip now.

“Stop telling me it’s going to be okay! What was that stuff?”

“It opens up your mind, makes it malleable,” Ted explained.

“You drugged me!”

“You should feel it kicking in very soon. I promise it will be quite enjoyable. As I’ve said, this is sort of a specialty for me. I’ve never had an unhappy customer, once it’s finished.”

“You’re going to change my mind? So what, you’re gonna brainwash me to come visit more? Make me happy you let Eddy run around buck naked in full public view, think it’s just great that Craig plays rugby and has filthy bare feet. Make me proud my Mum’s gone full-bogan?”

“No honey, we don’t want to that. We want you to be happy,” Mum told him.

“We’re giving you a total fresh start Brian,” Ted explained. “I’m going to take your right back to the start, let you be a happy little boy this time.”

Brian paused, terror dawning on his face. “Wait, what?”

Mum continued. “You’re going to be a little one sweetie, just like Eddy. Actually, a bit littler than him. We decided it would be best to go back to well before school age so we settled on three years old.”

Brian shook his head violently. “Are you absolutely nuts?!”

“No baby, we just want to help you. I promise it’s for the best. You’ll get to have all the same fun as Eddy and Craig. You’ll be following them around like a puppy, getting into the same messes, playing with the same toys. You won’t have to be a lonely only child this time. You’ll have big brothers.”

Brian wanted nothing to do with this. But then he felt it, an odd floaty sensation. It hit very fast and strong. His head was swimming and he couldn’t stand up.

Ted patted his back. “That’s it, you feel it now don’t you sweetie? Just let it sink in, let it relax you all over.”

Brian shook his head. “I’m going to be a professor. I have to write my dissertation.”

“I’m afraid you won’t be writing or reading much of anything for a bit sweetie,” Ted cooed. “We can’t really have a three year-old who knows words like dissertation, can we? I’m afraid I’m going to have to clear all those big boy ideas out of your sweet little head. All your thoughts are going to be so nice and simple though, it’ll be a wonderful relief.”

The world seemed to spin and Brian had to fight to keep his train of thought. “You can’t! I’m too smart!” he argued.

Ted chuckled. “You won’t be for much longer buddy.”

“We don’t want you growing up too mature this time baby. Ted’s going to make sure you’re a bit more simple this time. Not too dumb of course, just less academic.”

“No, please…”

“No point in a reset of course, a complete re-do. The point is to start fresh and make the right changes. We don’t want you to be upset when we pack away those shoes, we want you happy to be in bare feet. We want you following Eddy out front to play in your birthday suit without feeling any silly modesty,” Ted went on.

It was a nightmare. All his learning, all his work. They weren’t just making him a little kid, they were going to take away his intelligence too, strip away his manners, his modesty, his work ethic, leave him a dumb redneck boy, a silly nudist.

“People will see me. They’ll know…” he tried to explain.

But Ted was shaking his head. “You’re a special boy, Brian. Your Mum and I took you in after a drug overdose burned out your once brilliant brain.”

“Stop fighting it sweetie, there’s no reason to,” Mum whispered, stroking his hair now.

Brian tried not to give in. He didn’t want to forget, to lose all the things that made him who he was. But the drug was very powerful and his eyes were going glassy and vacant, the world blurring, dimming.

Ted leaned close and whispered in his ear. “Just listen to my voice Brian. Everything I tell you is the truth. You know it with all your heart and soul. Listen carefully to every single word now…”

**

Two Weeks Later

It was children’s story time at the local library. Mums arrived with an assortment of small children and Susie, a librarian’s assistant greeted them and directed them to the right area.

A woman walked in leading two young children with her. One boy of about six wearing a rugby uniform and his little brother, not yet old enough for school, wearing just his board shorts. She was used to that, the woman was a regular and her boys were often in just shorts.

But this time she had another charge, a fully grown young man with messy long hair and a short beard. He was holding the six year-old’s hand, but not as though he were in charge of the boy. No, it seemed clear that the boy was leading him. He was wearing a pair of simple short shorts, perhaps boxer shorts. That was all he wore. The man was barefoot and shirtless. He gazed about the library with empty, innocent eyes and a curious expression.

“Well hello there,” she greeted the odd little family.

“Hi, we’re looking for story time,” the mother said.

“Yes of course. It’s just around the corner. The children can sit on the mat and we have some chairs for grown-ups.”

“Lovely, thank you.”

“And, um, is he here for the story?” she asked awkwardly.

The mother smiled. “Oh yes, he’s a special boy, you understand.”

“Oh, of course. I was just going to say he’s very welcome to sit on the mat with the other little boys and girls.”

“Why thank you. Did you hear that sweetie? Can you thank the nice lady for helping us?” she cooed in the most saccharine sweet voice to the nearly naked man.

The ginger man looked over and smiled a simple child’s grin. “Tank-you,” he said brightly.

“You’re very welcome dear.”

“My name ids Bwian,” he informed her with a bright smile.

She couldn’t help but chuckle at how silly the man sounded.

“Well, it’s nice to meet you Brian. And I must say you look very comfy on this warm day.”

The man giggled. “Mummy gibbed me shorts. But I wan be nakey!”

Susie had to cover her mouth to stop from laughing out loud. The mother didn’t look embarrassed at all though. She just patted the man’s bare back and nodded. “But we can’t go nakey in public, can we?” she prompted.

Brian shook his head. “No-ooooh,” he answered in sing-song. “Not awwowed.”

“That’s right, so we’re going to keep our shorts on like a good boy until we all get home. Right?”

“Yeff Mummy. Bwian be good.”

Susie watched the young man toddle off after the little boy pulling his hand, noting the soles of the fellow’s feet were pitch black, like he hadn’t worn shoes in days or more. Poor fellow, she thought, he probably didn’t know any better.

**

Brian sat on the floor of the library amidst the other young children. Grown-ups sat in seats. The librarian sat in the biggest chair of all, reading from Mother Goose, doing lots of silly voices. Little children liked silly voices. He liked silly voices too, because he was a little boy.

It was perfectly clear that he belonged down here with the other children, even if he was older than them and bigger. The grown-ups were all so smart. They sat in chairs, they wore big people clothes. Being at their feet, it felt right.

He sat cross-legged and looked at his own feet. They were all dirty, all black. He got a smile on his face. It felt so nice to have icky little boy feet, all messy and silly. There was another little boy next to him. He was the same size as Eddy, and he also had bare feet and his were all dirty too. It made Brian feel good to be like the other boys, like his big brothers.

After story time Mummy took Eddy to the toilet. She told Craig to watch Brian. His older brother frowned and then took his hand. “Guess I gotta watch you again,” he said unhappily.

Brian frowned. “Dun gotta watch me,” he told Craig.

“Yeah I do. Cuz you’re too little to be alone now. Daddy made you too little.”

Brian squirmed and wiggled his toes on the soft carpet. “Wike bein’ widdle,” he said.

Craig nodded and patted his arm. “I know Brian. Daddy helped you get happy. It’s just, I wanna… hey, let’s play hide ‘n seek!”

Brian got even more excited at this idea. For a brief second he thought that would be a bad idea. He was supposed to stay here. Then a voice in his head seemed to come from nowhere, reminding him he was a playful little boy, he was too silly and little to follow the rules.

“Yeah! Pway hide ‘n theek!”

“Okay, do you want to count to twenty?” Craig asked.

Brian nibbled on his finger, trying to think of numbers. But there were none. Daddy had taken them all away. “Umm… I ‘unno.”

Craig chuckled. “I’m just kidding silly Billy. I know you can’t count. Okay, you hide and I’ll count! One, two, three…”

Brian squealed in glee and hurried off, racing through the library on his nimble bare feet. He raced up the stairs on hands and knees, then hurried right to the end of the stack, dropping to his bum against the wall, rough-soled and dirty bare soles outstretched.

Brian waited for big brother to come find him. He hoped it would take him a long time. He was such a good hider! Then he looked over at the books. He remembered something about books. He knew grown-ups read them. But not him. He was too little. He looked at the titles. Nothing made sense. The symbols were meaningless to him, just scribbles.

A flash of memory hit him. It happened now and then. He saw himself as a graduate student, living in the city on his own, reading advanced books like these, no, bigger than these. And he was all dressed up, and so smart! And he remembered now, he remembered coming here to this little town, coming to visit, driving himself, a full grown-up able to drive a car like Mummy and Daddy.

“There you are!”

Brian looked up to see Mummy walking along the aisle to him. He picked himself up, standing and feeling clearer by the second. And also more embarrassed. He remembered so much now. He remembered waking up after Ted drugged him, understanding he’d been made little, but not what that really meant. He remembered waking up completely nude and then going right out into the yard that way, playing with the boys just as naked as little Eddy, and passersby could see him and he hadn’t covered up at all.

He remembered flashes of the last weeks. Walking to school with Mummy and Craig, marveling at the boy’s “big” uniform while he wore only his shorts. Letting Mummy lead him by the hand everywhere, letting her parade him around sucking his thumb, prattling nonsense. And now he was in the library, in public, in boxer shorts. It was horrifying.

“C’mon sweetie, we need to get going,” she said now, reaching out for his hand again.

He shook his head, and gave her is angriest look. “I wemembah,” he insisted. “I’m big! I’m gwown-up!”

Mummy gave him a sad look, then stepped sharply forward and grabbed his boxer shorts with both hands, shoving them down, exposing his penis and bottom in one fell swoop.

Brian’s eyes widened as he felt the air on his privates.

“What?” he managed.

“You’re not big sweetie. You’re not a grown-up. You used to be one and Daddy took that all away.”

Brian tried to shake his head no. But Mummy put a finger to his lips. “Sweetie, you’re my little jaybird.”

He wanted to tell her no, tell her how he was remembering things. But when she said those words, something changed. He looked down at his naked body and felt, so silly, so little, so very, very good.

He hopped up and down on his bare feet, making his pee-pee floppy. “Imma jay-biwd!” he repeated.

She nodded, smiling now. “You certainly are,” she agreed.

“Is everything okay?”

Mummy turned around to look at the pretty library woman.

“Oh yes, I’m sorry but I’m afraid he just got out of his shorts for a moment and I was about to help him get them back on. He just doesn’t know any better I’m afraid.”

Silly Mummy. He didn’t take his shorts off. Did he? He was a silly nakey jaybird. And his pee-pee was extra nice and comfy all free. Yes, he must have taken them off. He was a very silly boy after all.

“No problem,” the woman answered, though she looked concerned. “Would you like some help?”

“Oh certainly, thank you dear.”

“No worries.”

The library lady came over. Brian liked her. She was very pretty.

“I nakey now,” he informed her with a grin.

“I can see that dear. But we need to get your shorts back on, okay?”

“Otay,” he chirped, completely forgetting about his brief lucid moment.

A few minutes later, his shorts back on, Brian padded across the lovely warm pavement of the car park, enjoying the sun on his back, his Mummy gripping his hand tightly, sure everything was just perfect.